I'm a long term disappointment to myself

Can I start by apologising to my non existence readers now, this is very much a blog for me to feel sorry for myself in. Look away, I don't want you to see me this way!

I think in my last post I rattled on about being a shit friend. Well, I still am. That's not changed.

What's worse is I'm a shit girlfriend. Or fiance, even. I guess I should probably sort that out before trying to be a better friend.

Oh, and I left my job. My job that I loved. Although, infairness, I probably loved the people more than anything.

I hadn't been particularly bothered about finding a new job. I've never been out of work for long. The problem I have now though is not only am I really bloody ill, I just don't have the motivation...I've lost all professional self confidence.

I'm scared of applying for jobs, that although I know I can do I always have this "what if" in the back of my mind. I've even considered perhaps doing something like a PA or office manager, because for whatever reason I know I'd enjoy them...but what if I fuck them up? What would I do then?

I give it a week of applying for these sort of jobs, and then all else fails im going to become a cleaner. One where I dont have to speak to people. Right now, that feels about the sum of what im capable of.

Told you I was feeling sorry for myself. And I haven't even told you half of it.

A Friend In Deed...

"So if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead,
send me an IM, i'll be your friend" ~ Kimya Dawson, Loose Lips

This is a blog for my friends. All my life I have rambled on about friends coming before anything else - about how in just a call I'd be there in minutes. Anything, Anytime, Anywhere - my loyalty and and sense of responsibility, of reliability towards my friends has never faulted, and always been a top priority and something I prided myself on.

I sat here tonight, looking at two texts, 3 missed calls, and a couple of online messages - and I realised that I react completely differently now. I get these texts and calls and messages everyday, and I make a point of trying to remember to reply - but it's always a 'I can reply to that later'.

The worst pasrt of this is these are always people I want to speak to, that I would love to catch up with, that I want to see. So why don't I reply? Why have I turned into a shitty friend?

No idea.

But I have a couple of theories; I talk on the phone all day at work, so I can't think of anything worse than doing so when I'm at home. Hence why I don't even look at my phone when I'm at home. Currently I am absolutely shattered once I get home, so couldn't think of anything worse than going out. Last few months we have had a pretty busy schedule so have been going all out at the weekend, and then spending the week recovering!

Rubbish excuses, I know. I just really like time on my own - I'm an only child, it's natural! So between all my other burning the candle at both end activities, I'm treasuring the small time I get to myself.

Anyway, I'm rambling away...The point of this post is to say - I am not ignoring you, I DO want to speak to you, I WILL reply, and I totally want to see you soon, because I haven't seen most of you for ever.

So, to summarise - I'm a shit friend. I'm sorry. I'll sort my act out.

xx