I'm a long term disappointment to myself

Can I start by apologising to my non existence readers now, this is very much a blog for me to feel sorry for myself in. Look away, I don't want you to see me this way!

I think in my last post I rattled on about being a shit friend. Well, I still am. That's not changed.

What's worse is I'm a shit girlfriend. Or fiance, even. I guess I should probably sort that out before trying to be a better friend.

Oh, and I left my job. My job that I loved. Although, infairness, I probably loved the people more than anything.

I hadn't been particularly bothered about finding a new job. I've never been out of work for long. The problem I have now though is not only am I really bloody ill, I just don't have the motivation...I've lost all professional self confidence.

I'm scared of applying for jobs, that although I know I can do I always have this "what if" in the back of my mind. I've even considered perhaps doing something like a PA or office manager, because for whatever reason I know I'd enjoy them...but what if I fuck them up? What would I do then?

I give it a week of applying for these sort of jobs, and then all else fails im going to become a cleaner. One where I dont have to speak to people. Right now, that feels about the sum of what im capable of.

Told you I was feeling sorry for myself. And I haven't even told you half of it.