I've fallen in love with a girl.

I've never met her.

I doubt I ever will.

She's paints the most beautiful pictures, and is all crafty - in a good way. Has the most beautiful face, and the most cutest dress sense...and is from Portland. 

Could she be more perfect? I think not. Other than the fact I've never spoken to her, never will, and hse is (probably) straight and married.

Some of her work I love:

If you would like to buy me, well, everything, she sells her stuff via the beautiful site Etsy.

And she's born on February 13th, which is just the most romantic date - and means she's an Aquarius, which always have me hooked forever, and she's so pretty, I don't know if it's weird to post images of her on my blog though. Probably. But anyway, her art is beautiful, it reminds me of Mark Ryden.

I've not had an unobtainable, non celebrity crush in ages! hehe

A drunk and ill Mel is over and out.

Wishlist

I've been filling slides after slides of stuff I desperately want. Stuff to form the basis of pinning down my 'image' rather than being a higgledy piggledy of stuff that doesn't actually go together/I don't really like.

I thought it might be better to actually put together all of these things I find on my net rambling in one place, so here it is.

I'm in love with modcloth.

If you would like to buy me these things I will love you forever, and pay you in felt animals.

x

The Obligatory New Years Resolutions Post

So, my new years resolutions are as follows;

• Actually go to the gym, since it's free
• Join some sort of active class - swing dance or something
• Really make an attempt of making my own clothes again
• Put together some sort of scrapbook/memory book
• Keep this blog updated
• Read something different; different authors, different eras, non fiction, philosophy
• Go back to education
• Finalise my tattoo plans and finally get them!
• Register with a doctor
• Get my passport, and go to some new countries
• I WILL do New York this Christmas!
• Buy an Acoustic guitar, and get an adaptor for my key board and start playing again
• Go to the theatre/concerts
• Be more spontaneous
• Sort out my finances
• Sort out my 'image'
• Stop procrastinating - rather than mong on the net every night, actually LEARN something or read
• Cook more

Thats pretty much it. I have some personal quests too.

Reasons to be beautiful

So I have finally sorted out my array of blogs, scattered all over the interweb. If you look below there is a mish mash from my blogs over the past years.

I wanted to write today. I haven't written anything in such a long time - that is all I used to do. I used to consider my self a writer, which sounds bloody ridiculous now. I don't know where to start.I'm just an unemployed drunk that talks about sex too much.

It's weird that writing to an empty screen you don't feel alone anymore - the internet, a friend for everyone. What more could we ask for?

A new year. I love how everyone feels at the start of a new year - everyone is full of so much optimism, and emerging blinking into the light of this fresh start, and what it could mean for them. It doesn't matter what last year was like, a change of date will make it all better. A new start. A chance for something better.

Or realisation that the things you aren't happy with have dragged themselves through to the new year with you. Again.

I'm listening to Hole. I probably shouldn't be. It makes me as cynical, and emotional and angsty as I was in my mid teens, but at the same time, makes me feel like I could do anything. Like I'm strong enough to do anything, and everything I could possibly want.

I guess the problem is that I don't know what I want. I want a lot to change. I don't know how to make it change. I want to spend more time with ME. Remembering what I loved, what used to get me excited and passionate. I can't remember the last thing I was passionate about - how depressing is that. I used to have interests, I used to have hobbies, I used to...be someone. Someone that did things. Now I'm just someone that drinks. 

I'm having a quarter life crisis. Turning 23 hit me really hard - in my head I'm still 18. I feel like I don't have time left, enough time left to do the things I want. The things I need. I barely even read anymore. Me, not reading??? It's just not right. And I don't feel right because of it.

I keep having dreams I don't like. I feel...disconcerted. Disjointed. Like I don't know how I am. I have an angsty teenage thing going on. I feel so overwhelmingly emotional and so numb all at the same time, I'm not sure what I prefer.

*sigh*

Over and out.

I'm a long term disappointment to myself

Can I start by apologising to my non existence readers now, this is very much a blog for me to feel sorry for myself in. Look away, I don't want you to see me this way!

I think in my last post I rattled on about being a shit friend. Well, I still am. That's not changed.

What's worse is I'm a shit girlfriend. Or fiance, even. I guess I should probably sort that out before trying to be a better friend.

Oh, and I left my job. My job that I loved. Although, infairness, I probably loved the people more than anything.

I hadn't been particularly bothered about finding a new job. I've never been out of work for long. The problem I have now though is not only am I really bloody ill, I just don't have the motivation...I've lost all professional self confidence.

I'm scared of applying for jobs, that although I know I can do I always have this "what if" in the back of my mind. I've even considered perhaps doing something like a PA or office manager, because for whatever reason I know I'd enjoy them...but what if I fuck them up? What would I do then?

I give it a week of applying for these sort of jobs, and then all else fails im going to become a cleaner. One where I dont have to speak to people. Right now, that feels about the sum of what im capable of.

Told you I was feeling sorry for myself. And I haven't even told you half of it.

A Friend In Deed...

"So if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU,
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead,
send me an IM, i'll be your friend" ~ Kimya Dawson, Loose Lips

This is a blog for my friends. All my life I have rambled on about friends coming before anything else - about how in just a call I'd be there in minutes. Anything, Anytime, Anywhere - my loyalty and and sense of responsibility, of reliability towards my friends has never faulted, and always been a top priority and something I prided myself on.

I sat here tonight, looking at two texts, 3 missed calls, and a couple of online messages - and I realised that I react completely differently now. I get these texts and calls and messages everyday, and I make a point of trying to remember to reply - but it's always a 'I can reply to that later'.

The worst pasrt of this is these are always people I want to speak to, that I would love to catch up with, that I want to see. So why don't I reply? Why have I turned into a shitty friend?

No idea.

But I have a couple of theories; I talk on the phone all day at work, so I can't think of anything worse than doing so when I'm at home. Hence why I don't even look at my phone when I'm at home. Currently I am absolutely shattered once I get home, so couldn't think of anything worse than going out. Last few months we have had a pretty busy schedule so have been going all out at the weekend, and then spending the week recovering!

Rubbish excuses, I know. I just really like time on my own - I'm an only child, it's natural! So between all my other burning the candle at both end activities, I'm treasuring the small time I get to myself.

Anyway, I'm rambling away...The point of this post is to say - I am not ignoring you, I DO want to speak to you, I WILL reply, and I totally want to see you soon, because I haven't seen most of you for ever.

So, to summarise - I'm a shit friend. I'm sorry. I'll sort my act out.

xx

A Friend In Need

So, some people may have noticed i've been quite distant recently.

Well along with the fact i'm just working really hard, and am just a bit stressed out at the minute, I also have decided this is the year where i take no crap from supposed 'friends'.

If you are on my myspace, some of you have been/will be deleted over the next couple of days. I probably wont answer some of your phone calls, or reply to your emails and messages.

Now I know you are thinking 'what a bitch'. But if you are one of the people im 'cutting out', then you deserve to be. You bought it upon your self. Sure its for selfish reasons that im doing this (explained below) but its about time I am selfish - after all, every body else is.

Over the last few years I seem to just be surrounded by people who call themselves friends, but do nothing to suggest so. Im sick to death of always being the one to have to make the effort to get in contact, always be the one to bother organising meeting up, always the one to listen to your moaning...and none of this is returned (or rarely at least).

I refuse to be the friend that is forgotten about any more. I refuse to be the one to always pick up the pieces when your life is a mess, but pushed to the side once you have a better offer.

And really, what I really, truly want, is the same respect, and love and appreciation and thought i give my friends to be returned. I didn't really think it was that much to ask. But for some of you - it does seem to be.

Some of you, maybe I have got it wrong. Some of you might think im talking about you but im not! But i think those who have been shitty friends know who they are. Im not asking for much, but if you dont think you can give that to me, then there is no point anymore.
*** I should add that not all of the above applies to everyone, Sometimes its just bits and pieces here and there. I'm just trying to make a fresh start, with people who regard friendship the same way i do.***
Been nice knowing you.

Melanie

I Was 21 Years When I Wrote This Blog...

I have pretty much just got home after my birthday adventure in London.

I got some ace pictures, so i thought i'd do a photo blog - of sorts.

The day started pretty badly really...A lot of people pulled out in the morning, and there was a night mare on the trains and tubes all day - it didnt look set to be a good one. I almost cancelled, but Neil talked me in to going.
I was so determined to make this birthday a good one - as I usually freak out about my birthdays and cancel them last minute. But since it was my 21st i really wanted to make the effort to make it a lot of fun for everyone - even though it was quite a range of people that were invited.

Neil and I booked a hotel room for the night - so we didnt have the hassle of trying to ge the last train back. It was a lovely little hotel - dirt cheap, breakfast included, clean and quite sweet. I would definitely stay there again.

Anyway, because our traisnw ere messed up, we were late to the hotel - and neither of us were dressed properly for the day yet!
I ended up tunring up 25 minutes late to the bowling. Loads of peopel ended up missing the bowling completely though, which was a shame - But we all still had a laugh!

Neil trying to close the gap between him and everyone else.

Jodie throwing it down that lane.

Mads with her left-veering-elegant-leg-kicking-style!

Joe winning (again!)

After about an hour of attempting to find a way to get to highgate when the tubes were being so stupid - we eventually found a cab rank (theres one underneath Euston - FYI!) and flew (well, was driven) to the wonder of the boogaloo. My mum and my uncle, and 2 of his friends had been there for hours, as they decided to drive up, and we all piled in, and finally got that drink we had all been gasping for.

Fred's hat did its rounds - especially once Mel & Shell arrived!

And the night pretty much went on from there!

Been A Long Time Waiting

Blimey, didnt quite keep to my promise of keeping this updated did I!?

So, what have i been up to recently?

Well, went to uni. Was really fun for the first few weeks- everything they say about freshers week is true. Was in a flat with 5 other people - we were a very bizarre bunch - and one girl was from brighton. We had in fact worked in the same place, at the same time, and she lived around the corner from my friend - but we had never met! Amazing that we can be so close to somebody yet never know them. Physically and emotional - I suspect.

The actual course was ok - as I said previously i was studying Music & Media Management. Perfect for me - you would think. Although some of it was interesting, i deep down knew i wasnt happy. But because i couldnt admit to myself that it was the fact I had made the wrong choice - not in going to university - but in going to one which i knew would not challenge me, - i did a lot of stupid things, and risked a lot, almost lost a lot. THAT would have been a big mistake, one of those 'never forgive yourself' situations.

Fortunately, i realised that university wasnt for me.

For me, that was a big thing. I've always planned out my life 5 years ahead. A major part of my plan was going to university, graduating, and getting an ace job. In the mean time making some real friends for life. It was a really hard decision - and like most people, i imagine, i felt i was particularly letting my mum down. She had been so proud, and going around shouting aboutt he fact that i had gone to university. I felt really bad for letting her down - as i wanted her to have something to prove to the rest of the family that she has bought up me really well..Its stupid i know. I just wanted to make her proud - a normal instinct i guess. really i knew that she would support me in what ever made me happy.

I feel so silly with the amount of stress and tantrums ive thrown at two particular boyfriends in my lead up to university - Gregg while I was doing my GCSEs, and Neil whilst applying for uni. Many apologies for putting you through that! It felt like my world would end if i didnt go to uni. Looking back, just a few years now, i feel i was so naive. I guess i was (am) only young - all about learning.

I met a lot of fantastic people at uni - again going back to an earlier post - people i would never in a million years though I would get on with. But it worked some how. I was really dissapointed when i first got there. I imagined id meet my 'kindred spirit', some one who felt the same about matters that i did, who i could talk about music and books and other things where we had a shared interest. Who was fun - with out the help of drugs - and could understand why i didnt do them. It didnt really happen like that. As i said,the people i met were so varied, but i didnt...have that kind of bond. I think i built it up too much - with all the stories of university id read/heard...too much hype i guess. But dont get me wrong, the people I did meet are really sweet, and i do hope i stay in contact.

So anyway, I stuck my CV up on monster.com, and started looking for jobs. Went for a couple of interviews - one at the radio times, a coupel fo media buyer jobs...nothing particularly exciting, and then i was called up and called in for an interview of a job i didnt even apply for! Which i where i still am now, 4 months later.

Its basically my dream job...I couldnt of even imagined getting something like this after i graduated! Good wage, great people, ever growing company in the areas i want to be - film, tv, music & events. Plus i get to go to glitzy after shows and awards/album launches etc. The best thing is - I dont mean to blow my own trumpet - but im bloody good at my job. Finally found something i genuinely am good at. Not just 'ok', im REALLY good at it, and always getting better. Its exciting - im making a career out for myself, and im only 20 years old.

So my lessons learnt are;
Planning doesnt work - just have a general focus. The best things happen by accident.
Be less judgemental and more tolerant of people.
Don't take things for granted. When you come closse to losing what you care about - you'll realise. Not risking it in the first place, is the best way to go.
Some impulses are best not followed.
Prioritise - work, feelings - everything.
Then organise.
Alcohol is NOT the best thing to spent thousands of pounds on!

Over and Out.

soundtrack to my life

The movie of my life soundtrack....

FIRSTLY...WHO'D PLAY YOU: Christina Ricci
WHO'D PLAY YOUR SIG.OTHER : Vincent Gallo
OPENING CREDITS : Frank Black - Stupid Me
WAKING UP : Wake Up - The Boo Radleys
DETERMINED WALKING SCENE : Face To Face - God Is A Man
AVERAGE DAY : The Wannadies - Because
BEST-FRIEND SCENE : Jim Bob - Song For My Friends
FIGHT-WITH-FRIEND SCENE : Placebo - You Dont Care About Us
FIRST DATE : FALLING IN LOVE : The Lemonheads - Alison's Starting to Happen
LOVE SCENE : Muse - Unintended
JUMPING/DANCING ROUND BED SCENE : Graham Coxon - Freakin' Out
FIGHT SCENE : Nirvana - Stay Away/ Pay To Play
BREAKING UP : The Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions
GETTING BACK TOGETHER: Foo Fighters - Up In Arms
SECRET LOVE : Kirsty Macoll - They Don't Know
LIFE'S OKAY : Jim Bob - Everything is Going To Be Alright
HEARTBREAK SCENE : Elliott Smith - Happiness
CRUSHED SCENE : The Boo Radleys - Everything Is Sorrow
MENTAL BREAKDOWN : The Pixies - Oh My Golly
DRIVING SCENE : Hole - Reasons To Be Beautiful
LEARNING A LESSON : Nick Drake - Been Smokin Too Long
DEEP THOUGHT : Tori Amos - Silent all these years
FLASHBACK : Feeder - High
PARTYING SCENE : The Killers - Somebody Told Me
HAPPY DANCE : Denim - Summer Smash
UNCONTROLLED DANCE SCENE : Stiff Little Fingers - Suspect Device
REGRETTING SCENE : New Order - Regret
CRIME SCENE : Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict a Riot
TORTURE SCENE : Manic Street Preachers - Archives of Pain
MURDER SCENE : Carter USM - Midnight On The Murder Mile
LONG NIGHT ALONE : Elliott Smith - I Didnt Understand
DEATH OF A LOVED ONE : Radiohead - No Surprises
FUNERAL SCENE : Bright Eyes - No Lies, Just Love
SUICIDE SCENE : Elliott Smith - Needle In The hay
CLOSING CREDITS : Frank Black - When Will I Find Happiness Again?