"and I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
and even if I went with you I'm not the girl you think I am
and I'm not gonna match you
cause I'll lose my voice completely yeah
I'm just gonna watch you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah …
I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah…
And I may be romantic
And I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna watch you wanna burn yourself out baby
No I'm not gonna stop you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy…"
~ Ampersand, Amanda Palmer
I'm a bit obsessed with this song. Well in fairness, I'm obsessed with the whole album ("Who Killed Amanda Palmer" check it out if you haven't already its on Spotify).
I split up from my fiance last month. It was all very amicable, and was far, far overdue. More than anything, I feel relieved - overwhelmingly relieved. It made me realise I haven't actually been single for over 6 years. I'm 23, and I haven't been single for 6 years -that's my entire adulthood thus far. I don't need to be in relationships. I'm quite happy on my own (I'm an only child after all!), and that is how I intend to stay for a substantial time. I'm so sick and tired of trying to help people, and being defined by the person I am with. I refuse to let myself be in that position again. I'm a strong, independent woman and I do not need a man to live my life. I do not need to stay with someone out of guilt, or pity or some ill thought out belief that I can help them. And I never will again.
So despite all my other tattoo plans, this will be my first tattoo - an ampersand (&) in a portrait frame on the back of my neck. I will not live my life on one half of an ampersand.
I'm really enjoying being single, starting to do the things I want to do to a far greater degree. I feel now. I'm not numb - I feel everything and it feels great to realise I am alive.
In other news, why is it that the small actions or comments from friends hurt me far more than any relationship ever could? I can't bare to continue feeling so negatively judged and talked about by people I love. Surely, they should accept me for who I am? That's what friendship is about right?
Maybe. Maybe not.
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