Ampersand

"and I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
and even if I went with you I'm not the girl you think I am
and I'm not gonna match you
cause I'll lose my voice completely yeah
I'm just gonna watch you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah …
I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah…

And I may be romantic
And I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna watch you wanna burn yourself out baby
No I'm not gonna stop you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy…"

~ Ampersand, Amanda Palmer

I'm a bit obsessed with this song. Well in fairness, I'm obsessed with the whole album ("Who Killed Amanda Palmer" check it out if you haven't already its on Spotify).

I split up from my fiance last month. It was all very amicable, and was far, far overdue. More than anything, I feel relieved - overwhelmingly relieved. It made me realise I haven't actually been single for over 6 years. I'm 23, and I haven't been single for 6 years -that's my entire adulthood thus far. I don't need to be in relationships. I'm quite happy on my own (I'm an only child after all!), and that is how I intend to stay for a substantial time. I'm so sick and tired of trying to help people, and being defined by the person I am with. I refuse to let myself be in that position again. I'm a strong, independent woman and I do not need a man to live my life. I do not need to stay with someone out of guilt, or pity or some ill thought out belief that I can help them. And I never will again.

So despite all my other tattoo plans, this will be my first tattoo - an ampersand (&) in a portrait frame on the back of my neck. I will not live my life on one half of an ampersand.

I'm really enjoying being single, starting to do the things I want to do to a far greater degree. I feel now. I'm not numb - I feel everything and it feels great to realise I am alive.

In other news, why is it that the small actions or comments from friends hurt me far more than any relationship ever could? I can't bare to continue feeling so negatively judged and talked about by people I love. Surely, they should accept me for who I am? That's what friendship is about right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

True Love Waits

The title of this post is probably one of the songs I love lyrically the most.

I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
And wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just don't leave
Don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave
Don't leave

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I might have "True Love Waits In Haunted Attics" tattooed on me, probably underneath a heart and crown. 

It's funny how our feelings of what love is, or what it will be, or what it is meant to be and how we are meant to feel when it happens, change as we get older. Or perhaps just change as we grow through - in and out - of relationships. I guess one denotes the other.

I don't think people strive for love. They strive to feel normal. To have companionship. To never be alone. 

I think the only true love is the love we can never have, the love that is never requited. The love just beyond our reach. That's the love (after your first love) that you dream of every night and comsumes every waking thought. It's that kind of love that gives you butterflies when you see them, and pine when they aren't there.

I don't think you ever have relationships with that sort of love. Perhaps 'relationship' love is not anything less, just different. I'm not sure which I'd prefer. Companionship. Familiarity. Maybe it's underrated. After all, as far as science is concerned that rush of love I described is really lust. Just to make us have sex and pro-create. 

Love has no place in basic instincts.