Reasons to be beautiful

So I have finally sorted out my array of blogs, scattered all over the interweb. If you look below there is a mish mash from my blogs over the past years.

I wanted to write today. I haven't written anything in such a long time - that is all I used to do. I used to consider my self a writer, which sounds bloody ridiculous now. I don't know where to start.I'm just an unemployed drunk that talks about sex too much.

It's weird that writing to an empty screen you don't feel alone anymore - the internet, a friend for everyone. What more could we ask for?

A new year. I love how everyone feels at the start of a new year - everyone is full of so much optimism, and emerging blinking into the light of this fresh start, and what it could mean for them. It doesn't matter what last year was like, a change of date will make it all better. A new start. A chance for something better.

Or realisation that the things you aren't happy with have dragged themselves through to the new year with you. Again.

I'm listening to Hole. I probably shouldn't be. It makes me as cynical, and emotional and angsty as I was in my mid teens, but at the same time, makes me feel like I could do anything. Like I'm strong enough to do anything, and everything I could possibly want.

I guess the problem is that I don't know what I want. I want a lot to change. I don't know how to make it change. I want to spend more time with ME. Remembering what I loved, what used to get me excited and passionate. I can't remember the last thing I was passionate about - how depressing is that. I used to have interests, I used to have hobbies, I used to...be someone. Someone that did things. Now I'm just someone that drinks. 

I'm having a quarter life crisis. Turning 23 hit me really hard - in my head I'm still 18. I feel like I don't have time left, enough time left to do the things I want. The things I need. I barely even read anymore. Me, not reading??? It's just not right. And I don't feel right because of it.

I keep having dreams I don't like. I feel...disconcerted. Disjointed. Like I don't know how I am. I have an angsty teenage thing going on. I feel so overwhelmingly emotional and so numb all at the same time, I'm not sure what I prefer.

*sigh*

Over and out.