Am I an anti-feminist?

Today, other than feeling quite ill, I've spent the day reading essays on feminism. I say reading, technically its re-reading, but since I have the memory of a goldfish, things I read 6-9 years ago, I can't exactly recall.

Reason I went on this little internet search frenzy, is because I got annoyed at a comment I saw somewhere, saying that true feminists (yes, they actually said 'true') do not enjoy pornography. Resent any form of sexual fantasies that may empower the male. True feminists, they don't flirt. they don't have sex, by the looks of it. Especially not with a man.

So as a sexually liberated, flirtatious pansexual, I'm clearly the polar opposite of feminism.

*sigh*

I guess it goes back to the feminist sex wars of the 1980's. The sex positive feminists against the anti pornography brigade. I guess I had kind of hoped we had moved on from this - I mean, we're what, third wave feminists now?

I believe in a woman's choice. In a womans right to choose. I believe women can meet their sexual needs and desires however they so wish - be that porn, toys, fetish, sex with the same/opposite sex, sex with one, or 10 partners - whether that be in one night or not...I could go on forever. At the same time, I support women who decide not to have sex. Who choose monogamy. Who abstain altogther, and everything inbetween.

Women have as much right as men to choose. I dont think thats a particularly radical opinion to hold. As long as they do that responsibly, safely and consensually, who the fuck else has it got to do with? Infact, I find a lot of the things I have named above can be empowering to women, but thats another post altogether.

Laura & I are going to start a zine. I think we've decided it's going to be about sex. Being sex positive, and a feminist - its not an oxymoron. Magazines like Scarlet, it doesnt quite hit it. However, there are ones like Bust and the like out there, but nothing in the UK. And there should be. So, Zine today - who knows where it might go.

I ramble.

In other news, I've decided I'm emotionally numb. I think its safer that way.

Meaning is not in things, but inbetween them

I've spent the day watching films.

Currently, I am watching Velvet Goldmine. A film I watched, without fail, everyday between the ages of about 12-14. I think the last time I saw it I was about 16/17...a frighteningly long time ago.

So I'm watching it, and remembering what I loved about it, how it used to make me feel. It made me want to be a boy. The effortless elegance of the men in this film, the ease at which they were different. In the film men are portrayed as romantic and creative; true poets, tortured souls. I blame this film for my life long love affair with musicians, it epitomised what I wanted in a man; and what I wanted to be.

However, looking back at it now, there is an underlying theme to the film that makes me quite uncomfortable. The women in the film are portrayed as weak, not understanding, in the way, and ruthless, yet powerless to the whims of the men in their life.

That doesn't sit well with me. 

It doesn't sit well, that when I watched this I wanted to be a man. Or boy, as it were. That it made me ashamed of being a girl, made me jealous, (or is it envy...but that is a whole other post altogether) when infact the qualities that I love about the men in the film - elegance, grace, beauty, emotional vulnerability - can often be called classically feminine traits.  But when watching the film I didnt recognise saw that. I just saw boy=good, girl=bad.

That goes against everything I've ever believed, been bought up to appreciate, and the though I now, as a woman follow.

Is it better to be a man? Is one better than the other? I don't think so. I wouldn't change being a woman now for anything. We may live in a patriarchy society, but I'm a stong believer that women encompass a power that men will never be able to experience. When that is reflected more equally in society, perhaps there will be no need for feminism. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

In summary, I'm glad I dont feel the same towards Velvet Goldmine as I did, but I am glad I can now appreciate the gender play in the film to a better degree.