You know what?

Must stop blooging when drunk.

I'm actually deleting this because it is THAT embarrassing. Yep, more than the rest of the crap on here.

Ampersand

"and I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
and even if I went with you I'm not the girl you think I am
and I'm not gonna match you
cause I'll lose my voice completely yeah
I'm just gonna watch you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah …
I'm not the one that's crazy
Yeah…

And I may be romantic
And I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna watch you wanna burn yourself out baby
No I'm not gonna stop you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy…"

~ Ampersand, Amanda Palmer

I'm a bit obsessed with this song. Well in fairness, I'm obsessed with the whole album ("Who Killed Amanda Palmer" check it out if you haven't already its on Spotify).

I split up from my fiance last month. It was all very amicable, and was far, far overdue. More than anything, I feel relieved - overwhelmingly relieved. It made me realise I haven't actually been single for over 6 years. I'm 23, and I haven't been single for 6 years -that's my entire adulthood thus far. I don't need to be in relationships. I'm quite happy on my own (I'm an only child after all!), and that is how I intend to stay for a substantial time. I'm so sick and tired of trying to help people, and being defined by the person I am with. I refuse to let myself be in that position again. I'm a strong, independent woman and I do not need a man to live my life. I do not need to stay with someone out of guilt, or pity or some ill thought out belief that I can help them. And I never will again.

So despite all my other tattoo plans, this will be my first tattoo - an ampersand (&) in a portrait frame on the back of my neck. I will not live my life on one half of an ampersand.

I'm really enjoying being single, starting to do the things I want to do to a far greater degree. I feel now. I'm not numb - I feel everything and it feels great to realise I am alive.

In other news, why is it that the small actions or comments from friends hurt me far more than any relationship ever could? I can't bare to continue feeling so negatively judged and talked about by people I love. Surely, they should accept me for who I am? That's what friendship is about right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

True Love Waits

The title of this post is probably one of the songs I love lyrically the most.

I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
And wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just don't leave
Don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave
Don't leave

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I might have "True Love Waits In Haunted Attics" tattooed on me, probably underneath a heart and crown. 

It's funny how our feelings of what love is, or what it will be, or what it is meant to be and how we are meant to feel when it happens, change as we get older. Or perhaps just change as we grow through - in and out - of relationships. I guess one denotes the other.

I don't think people strive for love. They strive to feel normal. To have companionship. To never be alone. 

I think the only true love is the love we can never have, the love that is never requited. The love just beyond our reach. That's the love (after your first love) that you dream of every night and comsumes every waking thought. It's that kind of love that gives you butterflies when you see them, and pine when they aren't there.

I don't think you ever have relationships with that sort of love. Perhaps 'relationship' love is not anything less, just different. I'm not sure which I'd prefer. Companionship. Familiarity. Maybe it's underrated. After all, as far as science is concerned that rush of love I described is really lust. Just to make us have sex and pro-create. 

Love has no place in basic instincts. 

Drunken stupor

I always prided myself on knowing my limits, with alcohol.  I never got really, really trashed - was always in control and seemed to hit a wall where I didn't really get any more drunk, or didn't let myself at least.

Seems I can't do that anymore. I don't seem to have that transitionary period now - I go from stone cold sober to hideously drunk with no warning. No being tipsy, just horribly drunk.

Worst of all, I'm turning in to the kind of drunk I hate. The drunk that I stay away from, the sort that I try not to drink with, because I don't like it when they are like that.

*sigh*

Guess I'm getting old and can't drink like I used too. Or maybe I just feel more safe with the people with. Or maybe I just want to feel something, anything, so in some backwards way of thinking I drink to be someone I'm not, in the hope I'll feel something I don't.

Well that was a happy post, wasn't it?

Over and out.

Mel

I got good at feeling bad

I wish I could tell my friends how much they mean to me.  Sometimes I think I don't give enough, and im so terrified...I don't know of what. Maybe I do. Maybe I just don't want to say.

Just wish I could be my self with people more.  I'm probably not that bad a person underneath this facade I put on.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm drunk.

My to-read list

Feed me.

I'm going to compile a list of books I haven't read at all/in many years.  Books I really should have, and just haven't got round too, or read many many moons ago and don't really remember anymore. 

Then I'm actually going to read them. 

Below is the start of this, but I would love your input - any books you love - what's your favourite book? What books do you tell everyone about when you get the chance? Tell me!

• Dermaphoria - Craig Clevenger
  
• Cider with Rosie - Laurie Lee
• Middlemarch - George Eliot
• Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
• Tess of the D'ubervilles - Thomas Hardy
• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
• The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
• The Road - Cormac McCarthy
• No Country for Old Men - Cormac McCarthy
• Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• American Tabloid - James Ellroy
• High Fidelity - Nick Hornby
• Snuff - Chuck Palahniuk
• The Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton
• The 120 Days of Sodom - Marquis de Sade

Look forward to your contributions!

Plus (because I'm cheap) if you live near by and have any of the above books, any chance I can borrow them!? Cheers!

Over & out.

x

*sigh*

I just don't have the energy anymore.

I didn't think my life would ever be like this, that I would ever feel like this. Funny how things work out?

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I just start crying. I don't even realise at first, and then suddenly I notice tears streaming down my face. I can't stop them. It goes on for hours. This is becoming frighteningly frequent.

Sometimes, I'm too afraid to get out of bed in the mornings, because I know the day will be full of dissappointment.

Sometimes, I don't leave the house. Becuase outside - anything could happen. I don't know if I trust myself to not walk in front of a bus - just to feel alive for a split second.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't block the people that care out, and scare the people that don't off.

Sometimes, I wonder if my happiness is worth hurting others to achieve, or if I should just swallow my feelings, my dreams, my wants and desires because I know I can make them happy.

Sometimes, I think my lack of creativity is the real root to all my pain. I have no way to express myself.

Sometimes, I wonder if my pain is real. Do I even have any? Seems nothing in comparison to some. Perhaps I'm just numb.

Sometimes, I drink because I don't want to think anymore.

Sometimes, I used to fuck virgins, just so I was unforgettable to someone, somewhere.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm lost when I'm not trying to save someone else. I only have me to think about, and that is a horrible feeling.

Sometimes, I lay awake until 6.30am in the morning. Then I wake up around 9am, and just stare at the ceiling. I tell everyone I don't wake up till after 11.30am, it's sort of like being alive and no one knowing.

Sometimes, I wonder if anyone knows how scared I am they will work me out?

Shallow.

Why do I worry about how I look to other people? I mean, to be fair, 70% of the time I don't - I look a mess in clothes that don't go and hair thats a mess and no make up, because I'm comfortable like that. But the other 30% of the time, the 30% of the time that I actually see other people I know...well. I worry. 

This has been bought home by the fact I'm going to a wedding on Saturday. I've never been to a wedding before, and this isn't just any wedding. Its my best friends wedding, one of the most important people in my life, and he's getting married. I'm honoured to be invited, and I'm so so ridiculously happy for him and his lovely fiance - I don't think there is anyone else I know that is so deserving of finding someone as perfect as he has. I don't think I could of imagined someone as right as she is for him, and him her as they are - the kind of couple you can imagine at 80 still laughing at each others jokes, and taking walks along the beach...the sort of thing you see in films. I can't wait to celebrate it with them.

However, last few days - weeks even, I'd forgotten this. I had lost all focus on what this event was, and got lost in a panic of what to wear. How lame. 

Anyway, sort of got my outfit sorted jut need to find some accessories. I'm dying my hair tomorrow, with a hair dye I haven't used before. What's the betting I fuck it right up?

Over and Out.

Am I an anti-feminist?

Today, other than feeling quite ill, I've spent the day reading essays on feminism. I say reading, technically its re-reading, but since I have the memory of a goldfish, things I read 6-9 years ago, I can't exactly recall.

Reason I went on this little internet search frenzy, is because I got annoyed at a comment I saw somewhere, saying that true feminists (yes, they actually said 'true') do not enjoy pornography. Resent any form of sexual fantasies that may empower the male. True feminists, they don't flirt. they don't have sex, by the looks of it. Especially not with a man.

So as a sexually liberated, flirtatious pansexual, I'm clearly the polar opposite of feminism.

*sigh*

I guess it goes back to the feminist sex wars of the 1980's. The sex positive feminists against the anti pornography brigade. I guess I had kind of hoped we had moved on from this - I mean, we're what, third wave feminists now?

I believe in a woman's choice. In a womans right to choose. I believe women can meet their sexual needs and desires however they so wish - be that porn, toys, fetish, sex with the same/opposite sex, sex with one, or 10 partners - whether that be in one night or not...I could go on forever. At the same time, I support women who decide not to have sex. Who choose monogamy. Who abstain altogther, and everything inbetween.

Women have as much right as men to choose. I dont think thats a particularly radical opinion to hold. As long as they do that responsibly, safely and consensually, who the fuck else has it got to do with? Infact, I find a lot of the things I have named above can be empowering to women, but thats another post altogether.

Laura & I are going to start a zine. I think we've decided it's going to be about sex. Being sex positive, and a feminist - its not an oxymoron. Magazines like Scarlet, it doesnt quite hit it. However, there are ones like Bust and the like out there, but nothing in the UK. And there should be. So, Zine today - who knows where it might go.

I ramble.

In other news, I've decided I'm emotionally numb. I think its safer that way.